How to Kill a Real Christmas Tree in 10 Easy Steps!
So, you've decided to get a real Christmas tree this year—bravo! But let’s be honest: keeping that thing alive and festive is such a chore. Who has the time to care for a giant, sap-dripping plant in their living room? If you're secretly (or not-so-secretly) rooting for your tree to kick the bucket long before the New Year, this guide is for you. Here's how to send that piney friend to tree heaven with minimal effort and maximum chaos.
1. Skip the Fresh Cut
When you buy your tree, make sure the seller doesn’t trim the bottom of the trunk for you. Those extra few inches of dried sap at the base will ensure that water absorption is a distant dream. Who needs hydration, anyway? Bonus points if you choose the tree that’s already shedding needles faster than you shed holiday stress.
2. Display It Next to a Heat Source
Fireplaces, radiators, space heaters, or that ancient furnace that sounds like a dying whale—these are perfect spots to park your tree. Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a crispy, dry, flammable centrepiece! The hotter, the better.
3. Forget the Water
Ah, yes, water—the life source of all things green. But who’s got the energy to check the tree stand daily? Just fill it once when you set up the tree and then ignore it. Your tree will dry out faster than Aunt Linda’s fruitcake, leaving you with the ultimate indoor fire hazard.
4. Use Cheap, Flimsy Lights
Make sure those twinkle lights are old, questionably wired, and definitely not LED. The extra heat from those classic incandescent bulbs will help your tree transition to kindling in record time. Bonus: A light short could add some unexpected “spark” to your holiday festivities.
5. Go Heavy on the Ornaments
Your tree isn’t collapsing under the weight of those heirloom ornaments? You’re doing it wrong. Load up every available branch with heavy baubles, garlands, and tinsel until the branches sag like a tired mall Santa. Weak, dry branches snapping off = mission accomplished.
6. Spray It With Artificial Snow
Why let nature’s beauty shine through when you can cover it in a thick layer of chemical-laden faux snow? Nothing says "I love nature" like suffocating it under a can of aerosol fluff. Plus, the flammable spray will pair nicely with those ancient lights!
7. Skip Sweeping Up the Needles
Let the needles pile up like a crunchy green carpet of doom. Nothing encourages tree death like ignoring its cries for help while it sheds its lifeblood all over your floor. Bonus points if your pets scatter them to every corner of the house.
8. Place It in Direct Sunlight
If the heat from your fireplace isn’t enough, why not position the tree in front of your biggest, sunniest window? The greenhouse effect is sure to toast those needles to a crispy brown in no time.
9. Ignore All Safety Warnings
Secure the tree to the wall? Who has time for that? Let your unbalanced masterpiece stand tall and proud, ready to topple over at the first sign of a toddler or a cat with bad intentions. Bonus points if it lands on the glass coffee table.
10. Keep It Up Until Valentine’s Day
Why stop at New Year’s when you can stretch the holiday spirit well into February? Nothing screams "festive" like a skeletal, brittle tree dropping needles every time you breathe near it. By then, the tree will be so dead it’ll practically disintegrate when you try to take it out.
So there you have it, following these ten steps is a surefire way to ensure your real Christmas tree lives the shortest, saddest life possible. Just remember: if your tree does go up in flames (literally or figuratively), you’ve only got yourself to blame. For the rest of you sane folks who actually want to keep your tree alive, well, you probably know what not to do now.
Happy gardening, and may your pine-scented centrepiece survive longer than your leftover eggnog!